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Yesterday I saved up all the oxygen particles I breathed
And sent them to you in a big box.
Two days later it was sent back
With big bold letters marked ‘Return To Sender’
But I can no longer tell if there is any air left inside.

Outside there is a man taking photos of the sky
He wears dark sunglasses
And when I ask him what he is doing he tells me
‘The human eye never looks above its own height’.

We sit on the top of the lowest tower
And he points at the girl below and says
‘This is the definition of beauty and truth,
With shining purity,
Like fog billowing in fields at six forty three AM.’

The sign on the advertising billboard reads,
‘The fabric of human nature is a flawed survival instinct’
As a quiet remembrance speaks in a loud tone
And the sound of clenched teeth submits echoes in blurred waves.
They make a heavy sound
Like the blinking of eyelids in early morning sunlight.

Heavy metaphors and late waking hours are not enough
To decipher the difference between humanity and nature.
If you look closely enough at the television, you can see congressmen
Wrapped in cotton wool and searching for meaning through their motives.
They do not try to find meaning in a half-lit candle,
Nor pay attention to the teenagers who try to define hope and faith and joy.

These are the reasons why I lay awake at night
And allow images of steam on windows to unfold in my head.
Simplistic objects can create an entirely new meaning
If only we take a minute to renew its existence
But not many can tell the difference anyway.
©2006-2009 ~Godslittlerocker
:icongodslittlerocker:

Author's Comments

thought i'd try something different this time. don't ask me what it's meant to mean, your guess is as good as mine. all i know is the second stanza kept repeating itself in my head at work last night, which ultimately, sent me crazy, but gave me something to work around in the end.

took me awhile to decide whether or not it was going to be a deviation or a scrap, i think i submitted into deviations solely because i haven't in awhile, not because i actually thought it was deviation worthy, because i don't think it is all that much. i don't mind the second and third stanza, that'd probably be about it but, lol. i really don't like the last stanza but i think i'd lost whatever it is i had by then, so i couldn't focus very well on it.

comments are always appreciated, by anyone and everyone. 'advanced critique encouraged', hint hint. or if you just wanna bag the shit out of me, you can always do that too ;)

EDIT: I've discovered a language flaw in this piece, but I can't really be bothered changing it. See if you can spot it...:)

Comments


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:iconjazencrou:
That. Is. Amazing. It actually made me see things, and it has a lot of imagination. I don't know if I can offer any critique, though. XD It's very nice. It's very pretty and has so many nice phrases. I especially like the end and the first stanza. Lovely job.
:icongodslittlerocker:
Thank you so much!! :D I love it when random people comment on my work. Thank you for the wonderful compliment, and for the fave!! :D

--
Open Your Eyes
Cause Somebody Loves You . . .
:heart:
:iconthe-clearest-sunset:
...I think this is my all time most adored of yours. It's not about any definite or strutured thing...its jsut pointing out different things about life. I absolutely. LOVE. The second stanza. That would make a wonderful chorus. Perfect chorus.

In the first stanza, you said send instead of sent....and in the fifth stanza...I dont know...the first and second lines seemed to break off at odd points. Like instead of

Heavy metaphors and late waking hours are
Not enough to decipher the difference between humanity and nature.


It could be

Heavy metaphors and late waking hours are not enough
To decipher the difference between humanity and nature.


Because the other lines seem to break off where you would take a breathing pause, but that line just breaks off in the middle. Just a thought. I couldn't pick any major language flaw. The again, I've had ten minutes sleep in the last 24 hours and two and a half cans of Red Bull!
:icongodslittlerocker:
ahh, you're fantastic :) haha.. i suck at structure, the 5th stanza looks and sounds much better the way you wrote it so i will most definitely change it as soon as my internet stops being so gay :D

thanks you very muchly for the comment! :D :heart:

--
Open Your Eyes
Cause Somebody Loves You . . .
:heart:
:iconthe-clearest-sunset:
:bow: The least I could do.
Love you too sweetheart. And NOW I shall favourite this, as I meant to last night :blush:
:icongodslittlerocker:
Lol, thank you, but you still haven't, hahahaha. its cool. =P

--
Open Your Eyes
Cause Somebody Loves You . . .
:heart:

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April 28, 2006
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